"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." - Vincent Van Gogh

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Pretending a Reprieve...

Today I'm tired. I am sick of grieving. I'm so done with bad dreams. I don't want this to be my reality and I want to move on back to the world of petty issues as large. I want life to go back to normal. I want to pretend that none of this is real.

Speaking of pretending. Do you know that I found great comfort in my dad's body at the calling hours? We all stood in line past his coffin and I felt like our whole family was together again. It was as if he was taking a nap in the corner. I wanted to take him home and prop him in a chair. Even if he didn't talk, that would be alright because he would still be there with me. Crazy...

Sometimes you just need to take a break. The reality isn't going to go away. The loss is still staring you in the face, but sometimes you just need to focus on something else. Maybe a movie.... I love movies, especially romantic comedies.

I've been thinking about the movies, "Sleepless in Seattle" and "PS I Love You" lately. The words of Sam Baldwin played by Tom Hanks ring in my ears ...

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

It's sad to watch Sam the widower with his precocious son grieve, but in the end, he finds a second great love. Aren't movies wonderful!

Here's the trailer for PS I LOVE YOU.  I own it because it might be one of my all time favorite movies. It's not one I pull out too often though because I can't stand the emotions that flood me. You need plenty of tissues for this one. They've achieved a good balance of raw, real and funny. Half the time you laugh AND cry at the same time in this movie.... Just like real life... real grief. And again, our grieving heroine eventually moves through, changed forever but again able to smile, love, live. Wish I could condense this process into a two hour movie and move on to the "happy" stage again.

The truth is that I'm kind of drained today... don't want to be profound... nor spiritual. Just want to be quiet. Just want to pretend. Just want life to go back to a place of normalcy.

Emotions like grief are too much to sustain. Sometimes one has to just take a break from the realities of life. I've got some other things going on today that might impact my whole financial future, but I'm too tired even to think about it. It's all in God's hands and I'm not going to worry about it. I don't have the energy.

Think I'll stay in bed in my jammies, make a fruit smoothie and watch a few movies.

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